How not to let others tear you down
/It can be frustrating to carefully work on developing ourselves, our abilities, confidence and ultimately self-esteem and self-worth, to only have someone attempt to tear them down.
Most of the time they are not intentionally attempting to do this; sometimes it is quite intentional.
Whatever the reason, here are my strategies to cope with this:
1. Understand
First, I try to “understand” reasons why someone might attempt to do this. I say “understand” because (1) we can only guess at someone’s motives at any given time and (2) you really shouldn’t spend too much time here…someone who is behaving in this manner doesn’t deserve too much analysis and thought.
Either way, here are some ways to get a general understanding that will help you protect yourself:
People are either maximizers or minimizers
A while back, my husband’s boss gave him this great piece of advice. Maximizers are people who believe that by lifting those around them they lift themselves up, getting farther ahead than they could have had they done otherwise. Minimizers are people who believe that by pushing down those around them, they will move upward and forward. Everyone, every single person, is either one of those two things. There is no middle ground or grey area. Someone who is trying to tear you down is probably a minimizer (more important question: what are you?).
Sometimes, people just can't see you
One of my favorite bible verses states:
“Do not throw pearls at pigs...”
…because pigs don’t know the difference between pearls and colored pieces of glass. They just don’t, and you can’t expect them to know. It’s not within their capacity.
It’s the same with some people. They just don’t have the capacity within them at a given moment to see your value/worth.
Would you ask a 1 month old to play Mozart? Same thing.
Insecurities and frustrations often lead our reactions
Most of the time, it’s not about you. Who the heck knows what is going on in their lives. The last thing you want to do is internalize behavior that has nothing to do with you. The other person is already suffering with poison, why take it on and suffer with them?
2. Distance yourself
Do this if possible.
It’s pretty easy for me to drop a toxic person out of my life. I can only take on so much toxicity in my environment before it starts impacting me. When it gets dangerously high, the image that comes to mind is similar to dropping a hot potato.
You don’t think of it, you just drop it and walk away.
3. Cultivate empathy
If I can’t distance myself, I attempt to cultivate empathy within myself.
Hurt people hurt people.
Someone that takes actions to bring those around them is incredibly hurt. I can’t imagine what it must be like to live life in that way. Just thinking about it brings shortness of breath…the level of suffering must be incredible.
4. Prep
Eventually we can identify the people that behave in this way around us that we can’t distance ourselves from.
From a colleague to a family member, just accept the fact that this is the way they are, today will probably not be the magical day they decide to change, and when you know you will see them or have to deal with them, prepare yourself mentally.
We often go to these meetings with our fingers crossed hoping that it will all be different than what it was before…it probably won’t be, so your time is better spent thinking of ways to handle the persons behavior.
5. Set limits
This is tough, but fundamental.
People treat you the way you allow and teach them to treat you.
I learned this later than I should have. No one sent me the memo!
I thought that if you were nice to those around you and treated them with respect, they would automatically treat the same way. Nope, not the case.
The trick is to have enough self-worth to not feel guilty when establishing your limits. You can communicate these in a professional way, letting those around you know what you do and do not accept.
Yes, people might thing you are cold, distant, too serious. Get over it; I would much rather be called those things than let someone tear me down.
FYI, someone once gave me the great piece of advice that communicating your limits could happen with words, a look, and even the energy around you. More on this soon!
I hope this helps! I would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment below. If you enjoyed this post, share it with your friends and family!
Lots of love,
Judith