When a man says “No” it is no. When a woman says “No”, it is the beginning of a negotiation

Gavin De Becker explained this on the Oprah show a few years back. This rocked my world.  Gavin De Becker was great at explaining how subtle this behavior is in our everyday lives.  According to Gavin, when someone does not respect your “No”, even in superficial interactions, they are attempting to manipulate you.  I remember staring at the TV, thinking of all the times I had stated “No” and had then engaged in a negotiation with someone!  I remember thinking: “No more! No way! Going forward my ‘No’ will mean ‘No’, not an invitation for a negotiation”.  

This change has gone very well for me.  Not only have I gotten better at actually saying “No” more often, but I have also gotten better at identifying when someone has decided that my “No” is the kick-off to a negotiation.  It is sad to say that this behavior is so ingrained in our culture that, for the most part, the other party does not realize they are doing this. It is time to change this!

TODAY, begin to practice saying “No” and sticking to it.  Gavin gave a great example of the experience we sometimes have with salespeople at department stores, when we say “No” and they attempt to change our minds.   This could be a great place to start practicing your “No”.  Practice, practice, practice!  Notice what you have to do in order to help your “No” be more effective (your tone of voice, facial expression, etc.).  Get over the guilt, the fear, the anxiety.  You are not respecting yourself when these emotions impede you from saying “No” and sticking to it.  Only you can create this change for yourself…and by doing so help change this behavior in our culture for others that will come after you!

Gavid De Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear", has much of his important advice