Ultimately, why I chose to have a baby
/I have wonderful news. Today, I am 5 months pregnant! I could not be happier and the past 5 months have been a true blessing; I am amazed at all that I have experienced.
In October I will have been married 5 years…5 years filled with those around me asking me: “When are you going to have a baby?” I have always known I wanted children. Yet, it has always been more about “timing” for me. Aside from timing, I always knew I wanted to feel aligned to the decision in a higher, spiritual way. Given all of the meditation, mindfulness, and awareness work I have done in the past few years, I can FEEL when I am aligned with something greater than myself and when I am not. Despite being married for a while, and the fact that I soon will be approaching my mid-30’s, it wasn’t until the beginning of this year that I truly felt aligned.
I did not want to have a baby “just because” it is the thing to do. Yes, as a Latina, family formation is paramount. As the years passed, my family became more and more concerned over my decision. They even pulled some pretty outrageous ways to influence me. My grandmother kept telling me my family would not be complete until I had children (how scary). My aunt who battled breast cancer went so far to tell me that the longer I waited, the more at risk I was at having the cancer (even scarier and…kinda mean). Yet, I refused to be bullied into the decision. I needed to feel it in my bones and I was not going to take a step further until I did.
It was a constant conversation with my husband. We discussed the reasons why we should bring another soul into this world. From a self-benefiting perspective, we knew that a child would develop us spiritually as human beings. We knew we would feel love like no other with a child in our lives. That our capacity for kindness, compassion, and forgiveness would be tested, strengthen, and expanded in no other ways than through this experience. I wanted this level of development. I wanted this level of evolvement. I wanted to see how much humanity I had in me, and how much more I could develop. I wanted to experience that level of selflessness for another human being in those moments that only a parent experiences. Yet, these self-benefiting reasons just weren’t enough. I couldn’t bring a soul into this world because it’s what you do, because it’s what completes your family, because of fear, or even because it would make me a better person and better able to serve my community and those around me. Even if some of these are excellent reasons, I wanted/needed more.
Through lots of meditating and reflection, I kept asking the questions. Why have a child? What purpose does it have? I kept on asking God, The Universe for guidance. And then one day it all became clear. I felt aligned. I realized that my child, like all future children, has the potential to be a light in this world. Once my husband and I are gone, could it be possible for us to leave a human lineage behind that makes this world a better place? A human lineage that evolves this world into something better? People that bring forward light, so much needed today, rather than darkness. Forces of good, that will live, and help others live, lives of values and purpose? Now I am not naïve. I know that there are no guarantees. I know that I can want my child to be a light, but that things could be different. Yet this is different than wanting your child to be a doctor or a lawyer. This has nothing to do with me and any unfulfilled dreams. It is about something greater than myself, it is about the greater good. So if there’s even a chance that my husband and I can create people that will improve society and help the human race move forward through just being…being love…kindness…patience…however they decide to manifest this…wouldn’t this be an incredible thing?
I remember the excitement, love, and peace I felt when I first experienced all of the above. I felt aligned. I felt a deep knowing. It felt natural, like breathing, eating, and sleeping. I was ready. I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted us to be parents. And today, I am looking forward to relishing the next four months of experiences and welcoming our beautiful baby boy over the holidays. I couldn’t be happier to have done it my way, when I felt aligned.
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Lots of love,
Judith